It's a slow simmering that comes to a constant boil. And then as it boils at a constant heat, the good leaves the pot as steam and what remains is just a dried up muck stuck at the bottom, stuck so bad that you just have to throw out the entire pot. My anger, my patience, my emptying shell, that's what that all was.

I have never felt like I belonged anywhere. In social groups, I've never fully been a part of the Malays, nor the Chinese. In my family, I've never fully been a part of the Hamid's, nor the Poon's. Individually, I've never wanted the norm of having a partner, getting married, starting a family. I don't feel normal. On good days, this would empower me. On bad days, I just end up getting lost in a downwards spiral.

I don't think I've had a good day in a very long time. A good moment, yes. But not a day goes by that I don't think, "You know, if I die now I think I'll be ok." I feel like I'm constantly spiralling. The good moments give the illusion of me being happy but it actually really is just my spiral coming to a slow. It has never stopped. 

I don't plan ahead of my future. I want to simply live a day at a time. But my days are mundane and routined that I can't help but feel that they are meaningless. 

I used to think that if I die, I want to continue being a wandering spirit to watch over my loved ones, maybe see how they deal with life after me. But honestly now I just want to go. There's nothing here left for me. 

Money? Enough. 

Life? Enough. 

Regrets? None.

I see beauty in death, I really do. And not in a completely suicidal way but rather, the liberation for one and everyone. It's renewing.

Isn't it tiring when your home should make you feel light like you're shielded from the world and its problems, but in actuality your home is where problems lie and there's no way for you to escape because now you're backed into this corner called "home".

I don't need to hear "I understand you" nor "I'm on your side" no, I don't need these shit however, what I certainly don't want to hear is shit like "Dude you can't say that" or "No matter what you're wrong". The fuck why? Now I can't even express my feelings? Oh because my feelings are wrong and I'm unimportant and irrational. Get out mate I don't need emotional invalidation. I fucking hate such blatant disrespect. You don't need to understand my feelings but don't step on them. I feel how I feel for good reason. If I tell you I was hurt, you don't tell me "You're wrong to be hurt over something so minor" shut up. Just shut up. 

I'm not blindly egoistic to not know how to apologise. In fact, I highly respect people who can acknowledge their mistakes and apologize, which is why I personally endeavour to be such — to live my life by my own definition of a respectable person. So yeah, I most definitely am not a big-headed bigot. I don't believe how people come out as "natural winners" of wrongful situations just by status or position whatnot. Essentially, we are all equal parts human. President? Human. Wife? Human. Mother? Human. These people no matter what if they make a mistake, they do need to be held accountable for it.

As a superior to some within my company, there are situations where I've chided my staff for their mistakes afterwhich they do apologize to me after making the relevant adjustments however, I also make it a point to in turn apologize if I've hurt their feelings, just to make sure that our relationship is not compromised. So I don't care whether it's a husband saying "Dude my wife is always correct" or a child saying "But my mother birthed me so she can never be in the wrong" No. Stop that. Even strangers apologize when they bump into each other. Don't desensitize yourself to feeling certain emotions. If you feel wronged, don't numb yourself. I've numbed myself for certain negative emotions for too long to the point the void in me just keeps growing and now? It's gotten to my head and I'm seeing a therapist.

Fuck what people say. You are important. Your thoughts and feelings matter.

Last night, I dreamt of my dad. Honestly, I never knew how to deal with those. While the dreams are always just that, dreams, of happier days, I find myself always waking up bolting upright, holding my head in my hands with tears running down my face, my morning breath probably more stinked up from my vulgar groans of "fuck", because reality is actually the nightmare. Mornings like these I especially wish I hadn't opened my eyes. That's why I've always had mixed feelings about nights like these. I sleep happy, then wake up depressed. While after 7 years I still miss him everyday, I can never decide whether I love or hate dreaming of him. Maybe I love watching the memory of him like an old film, but hate the me that wakes up broken still trying to cope with the pain. I hate what I've become from the loss. I don't know what to do with myself and I doubt anyone else would know better. Nobody can help me. I am so close to walking in to a bloody therapist's office or just knocking myself out with a bottle of pills.

 whatever man fuck you all.

I am fine. Dominant people are always turned into aggressors. I've lived 27 long years, it wouldn't be the first time I'm painted the villain. I should honor the fact that people see me as some unfeeling invincible monster that never feels any hurt. Thanks for thinking I'm that strong.