We went too fast, and we fall so hard

I'm always lying every time I say "I'm over that shit", Cause I'm not. If I were, I wouldn't be missing him all the time and end up crying every time I smoke at night. I really can't help it. I don't like that I remember every little detail during the times I spent with him okay. I really don't. Because it all just comes back to me and overwhelms me over and over again.

That road outside his place, where we always waited for cabs, marked the start and the end. The first time I took a cab from there, he hugged me and pecked my forehead. The last time I took a cab from there, we just waved goodbye. 

I should've just looked straight ahead after I boarded the cab, but I didn't. I had to look outside and see you, wave to me. And I waved back weakly, forcing a smile while my swollen eyes blocked my cheeks from even moving the slightest bit upwards. Fuck this shit, really. If only it were as easy for me as it is for you. But it's not at all. I remember every single thing we did and said at your place and mine.

I fucking miss cuddling up close to him, listening to his heart beat so super fast, falling asleep then waking up to feel his left arm around me and our fingers interlocked. I fucking miss taking 180 with him from my place to his, and cuddling up close to him at the back of the bus, with his left arm around me and playing with my hair. I miss all these okay. I miss Matt. Hahaha fuck this I'm so stupid. 

Was it really a mistake to date a clubber? Fuck. I really don't know. Because those times I spent with Matt really conflict Dora's warnings to me. "Don't ever date a clubber. Nothing good ever comes out from dating a clubber." And I don't know because I was genuinely happy the whole time I was with Matt and I felt the same way from him. But I got so overwhelmed by everything and now, I'm just this silly bitch hung up on the happy times. It shouldn't be like this. I shouldn't be this weak.