Draw to a close
Yesterday, 11th Jan 2015, I put an official end to my first ever relationship that would've been 25 months old today. Not to put myself above my partner nor to put him down but in all honesty, while he at the moment is filled with angst and hatred (as seen clearly from his tweet which he very courteously mentioned me in), I on my part am feeling none such things, only relief.
We shared many firsts together of course, overseas trips and whatnot. There were happy times, one such time as evident from the photo of our first official date to USS Halloween Horror Night that I've put up on my mirror. But today, after 25 months, I'm throwing it out. Along with all the cards I've made for him and kept in my care, along with the tiny booklet of neoprints we took in Bali just 1 month ago, I'm throwing everything out.
Trust me, I was happy. I envisioned a very perfect future, the same vision as he did. But as we went on, even more so in the last 7 months of our relationship, we quarrelled, we fought. So much so that the unhappiness outweighed the happiness. In the last 7 months, I complained of being tired, of the relationship taking its toll on me. He would ask me, "Weren't you ever happy? Weren't you happy when we were overseas together?"
And yes, I was happy during those times. But after awhile I thought things through and realised for myself that I can't keep doing this. I can't keep going back in time and relying on the happy times whenever I'm feeling shitty about us. That's just tarnishing the memory of our happiness, just depreciating the value of that memory in itself.
During this moment of realisation, I very conveniently realised a few other changes. I also realised that I no longer envisioned that perfect future. Correction: I no longer had a vision of any future whatsoever. Truth be told I probably already realised this from awhile back, but me being me, held on. "Yeah it was my first relationship and look, we've already come this far, I'm sure if I give both of us some more time, things will go back to the way it was, right?" But it didn't.
Contrary to your tweet, I don't believe these 25 months have been a waste of time. Nothing is a waste of time, really. We all meet countless people in our lives, some stay; some pass. The ones who stay come to be a part of our lives; the ones who pass come to teach us lessons. Everything serves as experience, just good or bad.
Our 25 months started out great, love and flowers everywhere, but it ended with love turned sour; flowers wilted. And I'm accepting this just fine. I guess after the loss of my dad, this much I can see clearly enough and cope accordingly.
