Pariah
It's been putting me in a bad mood whenever it comes to my mind, this species called "Social smokers", which gives me great pleasure to bring to yall the fruits of my research today! Behold you lot of cheap ass fuckhead pooptart faggots, read it hard and learn it well. From Elite Daily, I give you,
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The 10 Holy Commandments Any Social Smoker Should Swear By
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First things first, what is a "Social smoker"? Here is the Hayationary definition:
Keep in mind, not all social smokers are bad (Although I've only encountered bad social smokers, I'd like to think that there is still good in this world). The difference between good and bad ones will be more clearly identified as we go through the following 10 Holy Commandments.
1. Only buy packs on Friday
Social smokers should only smoke from Fridays to Sundays during these so-called "party days". Reason: You are a social smoker because you only smoke at social events this is as simple as it gets. "Social smokers are smokers who never own cigarette packs" is the misguided definition. That is not the way it should be because social smokers can be just as classy as regular smokers if they actually follow this basic Commandment.
Hayationary: To call yourself a social smoker when you're smoking any other day of the week is moot. You're trying to outsmart the regular smokers when in actual fact you are put simply, cheap. There is a difference between a social smoker and a cheapo regular smoker.
Hayationary: To call yourself a social smoker when you're smoking any other day of the week is moot. You're trying to outsmart the regular smokers when in actual fact you are put simply, cheap. There is a difference between a social smoker and a cheapo regular smoker.
2. If you have a pack, share your pack
Do not ever forget the karmic aspect of social smoking. Always remember what goes around comes around so if you've got 'em (which can be rare for you lot of shitty social smokers but if you follow the 1st Commandment then you should have your own pack), give 'em. Don't let every bummed cigarette burn away your conscience into complacency. Always remember those you leech from and return the favour.
Hayationary: Don't be a cunt and get used to being the bum of the group. You may like it but no one likes you.
3. If you need to bum one, always offer a dollar
It shows you mean business and you're not just stumbling around, pushing your luck wandering from smoker to smoker looking for a free handout. Cigarettes are expensive, especially so in Singapore. Show respect by acknowledging that cigarettes come from people's hard-earned money.
Hayationary: Don't be an arrogant egoistic prick and expect things to come your way for free. You feel good receiving but you don't look good. You have henceforth been nicknamed The Beggar.
4. But when someone offers you a dollar, never accept it
This applies more to the regular smokers in the circle but I'm sure we all already know this because we're the coolest people around and we chill af.
Hayationary: Be cool, be chill, be Hayati. But of course, only to someone who deserves it i.e. someone who lives by these 10 Holy Commandments.
5. Don't be picky about brands
Nothing is more insulting than asking someone for a cigarette, simply to end up scoffing at the gesture of kindness. Here is an example of a real life scenario:
A: Can someone bum me 1? I have like a dollar I just need one. (Good job, 3rd Commandment)
B: Just take mine ah.
('A' reaches for pack, sees that it's Menthol)
A: Eh I can't smoke Menthol, too heavy. Anyone got Lights?
B: ...
C: ...
D: ...
E: ...
Fuck you bye.
Hayationary: Beggars can't be choosers. Ever gave a beggar $2 and the beggar said "Eew I don't want old paper note, I want new plastic note"? No what! Just shut up and smoke that shit.
6. Don't take a smoke break alone
Being a pariah i.e. the lowest in the caste system, you should only be allowed to smoke when there are others smoking. Do not be so thick-skinned as to ask for a bum outside alone when everyone else is seated down happily socialising.
Hayationary: You tree trunk or elephant? Whatever gave you the nerves to be so thick-skinned? It's not hard to restrain yourself until the next person smokes. If you need to smoke so bad or even worse, chain smoke, buy your own pack already.
7. Always light cigarettes for others
You're already humbling yourself by bumming from others, at least act the part and don't expect a package deal of a blaze together with your free smoke.
Hayationary: I scratch your back, you scratch mine.
8. If you say "last stick", always show proof
Nobody voiced out to stop you but if you are stopping yourself, mean what you say. Show some self-restrain and discipline. If you need to ritualistically smoke every hour so much so that you can't stop yourself, you are no social smoker bro.
Hayationary: Self-restrain is key. You ain't no Houdini or Copperfield, you are not allowed to perform cigarettes disappearing act and game someone's pack down to the literal last stick.
9. Always make small talk when bumming a smoke
No, getting your smoke is not the end of the story. You do not get off with busying yourself on the phone. That's rude and it just screams "Hello can bum me one? K thanks bye".
Hayationary: RESPECT, nigga. Again I reiterate, you are a Pariah.
10. There's no gender discrimination when bumming out cigs
Guys, don't just bum out to girls. Girls, don't judge guys who ask for a bum (mannerly of course). All smokers are friends. Unless that smoker is a shitty social smoker then no, out you go, nothing to do here.
Hayationary: You have come to the end of the 10 Holy Commandments. May the Holiness be with you, Amen.
Do not ever forget the karmic aspect of social smoking. Always remember what goes around comes around so if you've got 'em (which can be rare for you lot of shitty social smokers but if you follow the 1st Commandment then you should have your own pack), give 'em. Don't let every bummed cigarette burn away your conscience into complacency. Always remember those you leech from and return the favour.
Hayationary: Don't be a cunt and get used to being the bum of the group. You may like it but no one likes you.
3. If you need to bum one, always offer a dollar
It shows you mean business and you're not just stumbling around, pushing your luck wandering from smoker to smoker looking for a free handout. Cigarettes are expensive, especially so in Singapore. Show respect by acknowledging that cigarettes come from people's hard-earned money.
Hayationary: Don't be an arrogant egoistic prick and expect things to come your way for free. You feel good receiving but you don't look good. You have henceforth been nicknamed The Beggar.
4. But when someone offers you a dollar, never accept it
This applies more to the regular smokers in the circle but I'm sure we all already know this because we're the coolest people around and we chill af.
Hayationary: Be cool, be chill, be Hayati. But of course, only to someone who deserves it i.e. someone who lives by these 10 Holy Commandments.
5. Don't be picky about brands
Nothing is more insulting than asking someone for a cigarette, simply to end up scoffing at the gesture of kindness. Here is an example of a real life scenario:
A: Can someone bum me 1? I have like a dollar I just need one. (Good job, 3rd Commandment)
B: Just take mine ah.
('A' reaches for pack, sees that it's Menthol)
A: Eh I can't smoke Menthol, too heavy. Anyone got Lights?
B: ...
C: ...
D: ...
E: ...
Fuck you bye.
Hayationary: Beggars can't be choosers. Ever gave a beggar $2 and the beggar said "Eew I don't want old paper note, I want new plastic note"? No what! Just shut up and smoke that shit.
6. Don't take a smoke break alone
Being a pariah i.e. the lowest in the caste system, you should only be allowed to smoke when there are others smoking. Do not be so thick-skinned as to ask for a bum outside alone when everyone else is seated down happily socialising.
Hayationary: You tree trunk or elephant? Whatever gave you the nerves to be so thick-skinned? It's not hard to restrain yourself until the next person smokes. If you need to smoke so bad or even worse, chain smoke, buy your own pack already.
7. Always light cigarettes for others
You're already humbling yourself by bumming from others, at least act the part and don't expect a package deal of a blaze together with your free smoke.
Hayationary: I scratch your back, you scratch mine.
8. If you say "last stick", always show proof
Nobody voiced out to stop you but if you are stopping yourself, mean what you say. Show some self-restrain and discipline. If you need to ritualistically smoke every hour so much so that you can't stop yourself, you are no social smoker bro.
Hayationary: Self-restrain is key. You ain't no Houdini or Copperfield, you are not allowed to perform cigarettes disappearing act and game someone's pack down to the literal last stick.
9. Always make small talk when bumming a smoke
No, getting your smoke is not the end of the story. You do not get off with busying yourself on the phone. That's rude and it just screams "Hello can bum me one? K thanks bye".
Hayationary: RESPECT, nigga. Again I reiterate, you are a Pariah.
10. There's no gender discrimination when bumming out cigs
Guys, don't just bum out to girls. Girls, don't judge guys who ask for a bum (mannerly of course). All smokers are friends. Unless that smoker is a shitty social smoker then no, out you go, nothing to do here.
Hayationary: You have come to the end of the 10 Holy Commandments. May the Holiness be with you, Amen.
