Enough of not being enough

Today, I thought of killing myself every minute, maybe every second. I've long come to terms with the reality that I'll never be that "talk of all relatives" level of dream child but to have to hear from my own parent, the only parent remaining, that I'm pretty much useless and a waste of space is still too much for me to handle. I think it was from the moment I transferred to Rulang in P2. I realised real fast that Pioneer Primary in P1 was basically a kids' ride. Gone were the stage award moments from getting 99 in Maths, 100 in English and whatnot. Yes, I understood my limit pretty early on. Even at the most basic level of education, I saw how much smarter everyone else was. But I did what I could. I'm sure I did my best. Forsaking recesses, making do with cream bread, spending more time on corrections than computers and games. I found fun and passion in piano, athletics, badminton. I hardly excelled in any but I think I did alright.

Then thereon, I knew I'll no longer be that trophy child. I never became the JC kid every parent wanted their child to be. I certainly am not the organisational elitist at the top of the best company. I'm just a low-key freelancer. 

It is so tiring that people think what they see and just run their mouth off about shit they don't know. Sure, I'm home alot. But that is the nature of my status as a freelancer and furthermore, in the seasonal scope that is fashion and events. Despite starting out with a strict non-disclosure policy at work, unlike those in SIA who revealed their kebaya's over time, I intend to stick to my company policy. But what do people see?

General public

IG story of me lounging at home watching TV: You jobless or what why you so free?

IG story of me overseas: Why your life so good one always can travel no need work?

IG story of me out with my mum: Why you like so many off days one always go out with your mum?

Me saying I have no time: That's just an excuse. You make your own time.

My mum

(Night) Playing game and watching TV in the living room: You today got go work anot? You got fired is it? You bluff me you still working?

People, give me a fucking break. Yall don't see me waking up early nor staying up late for web conferences to accommodate to clients' timezones. Yall don't see me replying emails on my phone. Yall don't see me at my work's peak period. Yall certainly don't know the duties behind my jobscope and how far I've had to extend myself beyond them for many incompetent others. Yall don't know how much sleep debt and me-time debt I've accumulated from draining myself to meet deadlines. Why do I owe it to you guys to prove myself? I don't get it I really fucking don't. Sure, yall curious cause it seems like I'm living the life. Well don't be. You're not seeing the blood, sweat and tears behind all the glitz and glamour. All my free time is hard earned. I fought for them. 

And mum, I stay with you in the living room at night because you're home and awake. What I do while you're out or asleep, you don't know. So why all the distrust?

I'm really tired almost all the time but to know that even draining myself, I'll never be enough is just... Hard. It certainly doesn't help me find strength to carry on.