Girls

Why are girls so weak? Why do we tend to like somebody so easily? Why can't I be stronger? I really don't like this part of me. It's not the first time already. I don't blame you, I really don't. Not at all. I'm just so angry and disappointed with myself for even thinking that it might work out between us.

I knew that it wouldn't work out but I actually thought that we could last longer than this. Because everytime we went out, I just felt so happy. I was really really damn happy!! Even in school, I would smile to myself while having lunch with my sistas because just the thought of everything made me so happy. And Karesia would scold me, saying I looked like some crazy woman, mouth cannot maintain.

I remember telling Karesia, "I'm so happy yknow!! I'm just so happy! I don't know why I'm so happy but I'm also scared. It's like I've already reached the peak of my happiness and sooner or later, it'll all just come crashing down. I'll never know when."

I knew you would be the one to end things. But I didn't expect it to be before you book in. I really totally hate myself for knowing it won't work out and yet at the back of my mind, still couldn't help but hoped that things would turn out differently. But clearly, it didn't. It turned out just as I had expected.

We only went to town and I myself frequent town so regularly, that now town just pains me. Because everywhere I go, I get reminded of you, of everything we did together.

I really remember everything we did and everything you said. I remember us sitting down at Spinelli, flipping through our phone calender, planning our days. I remember saying that "The Vow" was gon show in theatres on Valentines' Day but you'd still be in camp so you said it doesn't matter, we'll watch it together after you book out. I remember us planning my birthday celebration. But because my birthday, 28th, is a weekday, you pointed to my calender and said that we could either celebrate on the 25th or 26th, when you book out. Then, I'll just celebrate with Gideon, Ben, Weijian, and everyone else on the actual day. And then, I covered my mouth, trying to hide my smile and just looked at you, stunned. You saw and asked why I was smiling, and I replied, "Nothing... I'm just very surprised that we're planning 2 months ahead... Do you really think we'll last that long?" Then you smiled back.

Dong dong dong!!! Wrong answer!!! The correct answer is: No, we'll only last 1 month.

Then, you introduced the book "Hunger Games" to me. And then timely enough, the movie trailer came out soon afters! And then again, we promised to watch the movie together during your book-out. Our whatsapp conversation about the book was so funny. Hahahaha. I wouldn't say "broken promises" but rather, "unfulfilled plans".

Still, it made me happy. The thought of everything makes me happy. Hahahaha but sometimes, I really regret getting to know you, regret everything that happened that night, because that was the start of something, and now the end of everything. But then, I'll take back that thought, because if all these didn't happen, then I wouldn't have felt so happy. Though it is for the same reason that I'm now feeling so sad. Sigh, endless irony. But this is life. Or rather, this is a girl's life.

You're really a great guy. And I really meant it when I said it was worth the try and was good while it lasted. Because I really have so many good memories!! In a way, it's good that we ended this quickly I guess because I really only have good memories of you. Of us. Everything happened so quickly that there was no time for things to turn bad. It ended as quickly as it started. Just like, POOF.

I'm disappointed that you said you didn't expect a reply to your message though, and that we could stay friends if I want to. I'm not the kind to not reply to such a long and meaningful text, and I definitely am not one who's able to sever all ties with someone. Is it wrong of me to want us to stay friends? Naive much, you might think? I don't know... I guess it's wishful thinking on my part, thinking we might actually go back to being normal friends and be able to tweet/ text/ whatsapp as per normal. You didn't reply to my text. What does that even mean? Does it mean that you don't even want to be friends with me now?

I don't know. I really don't... Another reason I hate myself even more is because I can't bring myself to delete your messages. We started off with texts, then whatsapped, then ended off with texts again. And the messages are just so ridiculously ironic because it showed so clearly our start and end. Sometimes, I still read them. Starting text > Whatsapp > Ending text, the exact same order again and again, just so I could slap myself awake and snap myself out of it, hoping that I'll eventually grow numb to it. Hoping that the day will come when I feel nothing even after reading through everything, and then finally have the guts/ balls/ heart to delete everything.

Now however, I still don't have the guts/ balls/ heart to delete them. I guess I'm scared that I'll forget everything that happened, scared that I'll forget how happy I was, because I really don't want to forget. Because they're good memories.

It's not like I like him that much seriously. Maybe because it's my first time that's why I'm having trouble handling it? Or maybe I just want to dwell on the happy stuff a little bit longer.

So just let me drown myself in all these mixed feelings for now. Then, leave it and let it slowly die down before finally, forgetting about everything.