Dear papa,

Today, I went home without you. I left you behind in the rain, 7 feet underneath covered in soil with a new roof, a wooden box, over your head. It pained me so much to have to tear my legs away from the ground as I took the steps back to the car away from you. Then, I came home to a home that no longer seemed like a home. What's left after your passing is just this big void filled with your guitars, bicycle gears, YouTube history filled with rock music recommendations, over-sized bedroom slippers, toothbrush, razor, favorite mug and all else worth sentimental value. 

Tonight, it's my first time spending the night together with my mum in your master-bed room, lying in your spot. It seems both my mum and I are so much weaker than we thought. We miss you, papa. 

We miss your jokes. 

We miss your stinky farts. 

We miss your loud guitar jamming. 

We miss your 5AM racket from blending apple juice. 

We miss seeing you seated in your favorite spot watching your documentaries and racing shows.

We miss you papa, too damn much. So much it hurts, papa.

What we have left of you other than your belongings and the happy memories, are photos and videos I took of you. But over the past 2 days, there've been so many depressing memories added to them.

I remember the beeps of your heart monitor.

I remember the sound of air pumping into you through that rough tube.

I remember that tube masking taped in an 'X' over your opened mouth.

I remember the effects from your kidney and liver failure.

I remember the sight and touch of your swollen hands and feet.

I remember the very cold touch to your skin.

I remember the sound of the monitor as your heart-rate went into a flatline.

I remember your skin turning into a sickly yellow.
I remember them pronouncing your time of death as 10:17.
I remember your smiling face without all the tubes and wires, so blissful as though you were sleeping.

I remember seeing them wrap you up and wheeling you out in a metal cabinet.

Papa, it hurts so much. I'm so lost. What more is there to life without you in it? Please, enlighten me when you visit me in my dream tonight.

October 24, 2011