Day 2

Today marks the second day of your passing, papa. I can't sleep. Mama told me to go back to sleeping separately but I refused. So here is your daughter tonight, again lying in your spot. Today was the first time I entered our study room after your passing. I couldn't bring myself to at first, knowing that you spent most of your time in there. Whether guitars, amps, desktop, study chair, the study room is practically your territory. So today when Abang Dicky and Abang Yazid went in and asked me along, I stood outside for quite some time before mustering up the strength to walk in. I sat in your chair and just broke down. Straight. I then walked to the cabinet and noticed this small baby-blue electric music box in the shape of a grand piano that plays one of your favorite songs, "Where Do I Begin (Love Story)". I bought that for your birthday when I was Primary 2. Back then, I only had $1.50 as daily allowance but I managed to save up a little to buy that from the $-store at Jurong Point for you. You told me you placed it on your desk from back then when you were still working in ST, and that you played it everyday. You played it so often and diligently changed the batteries for it. Even when you retired, you brought it back home to continue your ritual.

I took it out from the cabinet and brought it to my room today while Abang Dicky and Abang Yazid were still hanging out in the study room. Your study room. I opened it and couldn't stop crying. I couldn't stop crying but I too couldn't stop opening it. When it ended the first time, I closed it back. I played it so much until I got to hear it start to go off-tune and I cried even more. I could imagine you with your daily ritual, smiling to the electronic music, that same smile you had on when you passed on. 

I have so many regrets, papa. One of them being my not getting you a present for every single one of your birthday. I haven't been the best daughter but you have been the best father. So please, please, come visit me in my dreams soon. Please. 

I miss you, papa. Good night, please give me the sweetest dream. See you.