Turn back time

I've been thinking alot lately. Thinking and regretting alot. Maybe because the year is coming to an end. I've never been one to block off my exes, whether boyfriend or dates. That's just not my style. So sometimes when I happen to see them on Instagram, Twitter, Snapchat or whatnot, I really wonder, 'Why... Why the fuck... Did I bother wasting my time with this fuckhead?'

How was I so blind to not have seen the end coming? I won't say I'm a very easy girl but dating or not, I actually take things seriously to some extent. I mean come on, we date with the possibility of things getting serious right? I don't date for fun. If I dated for fun then I wouldn't need any transition right I'll just hop on hop off, as easy as taking public transport. So the fact that I even go out with you shows that I see potential and that I'm willing to invest time and emotions with you.

So at this point some, ok more like most, will say "Who asked you to let emotions get involved? Keep your options opened but your heart closed." Geez tell me something more constructive already. Let's see you do that huh? Let's see you try.

I just really miss my dad. Sometimes, I still can't believe I lost my dad and boyfriend at the same time. One moment we're in Bali celebrating our 2nd year anniversary, the next I'm crying by myself trying to cope. I really lost a big part of me then and at this point, I just don't feel like the void can ever be filled. Ever.

There are too many 'what ifs'.

'What if I never met him?'

I wouldn't be so blinded as to quarrel all day all night with my dad, over him.

I wouldn't stay out all the time as an act of rebellion.

I would've spent more time at home, with my dad, the lonely retiree.

'What if I never went to Bali?'

I would've been there by my dad's side during his last few days.

'What if you never picked up cycling?'

Your heart might not've weakened to the point of collapsing into a coma.

I might still be able to hear your voice instead of the last of you as the heart monitor's flatline.

You might still be alive.

And I wouldn't be crying.

I'm sorry you've never been blessed with loving attention from my brothers and I. I'm sorry for neglecting you, for taking you for granted. I'm sorry for being so impatient in teaching you how to use the computer and your iPhone. But I miss you. Your cooking, your presence to welcome me home, your gentle touch on my forehead when I was bedridden with fever, your jokes, your hearty laugh, watching tv with you in the living room, I miss you so much it shouldn't even be possible to miss someone this much.

So come back. I'll teach you everything you want me to. I'll go places with you. We'll have every single meal together. We'll watch all your favourite tv shows together. I won't leave you alone ever again. So don't leave me alone.

Because I really miss you. More than words can say.