Frozen
I think it's been 3 days now, that I find myself waking up to my own tears, silent sobs. I've been dreaming about my dad for consecutive days now and this hasn't happened before. I understand if it were to happen during his death anniversary month yknow like December, cause then that'd be normal. It happens every year, though still not as extreme as consecutive days. But this is the first time I'm experiencing it so overwhelmingly during my birthday month. I feel like it's my dad tryna tell me something because I've come to a realisation of my own.
Having been spending lesser time sleeping, that just gives me so much more alone time to think. This Valentine's, I realised how envious I was of couples. Yeah, I'd joke about reporting couple photos "Inappropriate" on Instagram, joke about burning every flower I see out on the streets, but even I know that's how I cope. I cover up with my humour. But see, when it comes down to it, I'm not interested in romance. I don't want to commit to anyone romantically.
Which brings me to my realisation: This loneliness I feel is not from lack of romance but rather, lack of a father figure in my life. Even without dreaming about my dad, I sometimes just end up bawling like a baby just from listening to a slow song. I may have been frozen in time and in feelings ever since December 15, 2014. I haven't moved on. Not one bit.
Having been spending lesser time sleeping, that just gives me so much more alone time to think. This Valentine's, I realised how envious I was of couples. Yeah, I'd joke about reporting couple photos "Inappropriate" on Instagram, joke about burning every flower I see out on the streets, but even I know that's how I cope. I cover up with my humour. But see, when it comes down to it, I'm not interested in romance. I don't want to commit to anyone romantically.
Which brings me to my realisation: This loneliness I feel is not from lack of romance but rather, lack of a father figure in my life. Even without dreaming about my dad, I sometimes just end up bawling like a baby just from listening to a slow song. I may have been frozen in time and in feelings ever since December 15, 2014. I haven't moved on. Not one bit.
