Asphyxiated

Each time before we go, I ask myself:

Am I okay now? 
I should be over it right? 
Surely I won't cry this time... 
Right?

I'm not moving on. Will I ever? Is this going to hurt forever? It's not just the pain of losing my dad. It hits together at once, the pain from both my dad and my only ex-boyfriend. As painful as it is to lose the former, that doesn't mean that I don't feel anything from losing the latter. It's just a smaller pain in comparison but pain is afterall, still pain. I am still broken. I know I am. I feel it for myself. I more often that not question myself whether or not I'm normal and that in itself cannot be normal. I don't know if I can fix myself. And if I can't, will I ever find someone who can? Do I even have it in me to love fiercely and fearlessly again? I feel like I lost the ability to love along with my dad and my ex. No doubt people still see me all smiles and laughter. But when I'm alone, the gaping hole of nothingness is hard to ignore.