Oddly empty

So emotionally detached. I was so interested but now I don't even feel a thing, besides annoyance. Weird. It's not even my intention to play someone. I'm not purposely trying to be a fuckgirl. I was genuinely interested and enjoyed my time with his company. All of a sudden, the flame just went out. I can't even explain myself.

I suppose... I enjoy doing things on a whim? No fuck that's not it. I wasn't being impulsive at all. I was cautious and treaded carefully. I went through a thought process then decided to go for it, but I don't think I ever felt anything deeper than the occasional heart flutter. Sure, there were times I laughed my ass off but I think it was because he was funny rather than me having fun. I just don't feel anything more than superficial feelings. And as if that's not bad enough, even my superficial feelings expire.

The first time I noticed this about myself was during my hotel internship days. This day, I remember so clearly. I was smiling all day on a 10h shift in the club lounge, handling guests from the start of breakfast buffet to the end of cocktail buffet. I felt really fulfilled because I always enjoyed facing the guests more than my colleagues, and it was an amazingly hectic day with no hiccups despite everyone staying in due to the haze. I really felt the smile on my face all throughout that 10h shift. It wasn't forced at all. And yet, the moment I got to the locker room and changed out of my uniform, removed my bun and let down my hair, my face and body went slack and I just felt nothing. Jerome wasn't fetching me from work, I wasn't sharing the ride home with anyone. I stepped out alone, smoked my first cigarette in hours, and just felt nothing.

I recall feeling a little weird and confused by my sudden change, from being overwhelmingly fulfilled to feeling nothing at all. Not even tired, just nothing. 

I couldn't explain myself back then and now I still can't.