It's not over

My tears run down like razor blades
And no, I'm not the one to blame
It's you, or is it me?

Cried my eyes out, smoked the pack out. Mustered up all the courage I could find from inside me and sent Matt a text. I was shocked to receive quite an immediate reply but the conversation went nowhere. Okay it did. Actually he told me to move on because he's fine with being alone. Fuck I was trying so hard to get him to trust me and have faith in me and he so easily dismisses it with "Fine with being alone". Wtf. Do you see how hard I'm trying to make things right? I've never tried this hard for anything before. Fuck man I was trying so hard I seemed almost desperate. Or maybe I am. Fuck lah can't think straight anymore.

Jidi is damn brother I swear. Barely know the guy and only met him what, thrice? And he called me to talk about Matt. Then, hung up just so he could call Matt for me. And we've just been texting since then. I'm really just damn damn touched and grateful for everyone's support but just like what I told Jidi, it just seems like Matt's already put up all this walls around him and maybe, my determination won't even be able to reach him.

I'm not doubting myself. I'm doubting that he will ever waver and let me into his life again. He says he's fine with being alone and all but he doesn't know that I can't be alone, without him. Fuck this shit man this is some fucked up shit.

AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE OF YOU JOEL. YOU FUCKED UP DRUNKTARD WITH NO SELF-CONTROL. Knn can't even behave yourself and had to drag me along in your drunken stupor. Now I'm thrown down to hell by both Joel and Matt. Knn old crush giving me problems with my new crush. Talk about Gossip Girl man, this is twisted shit okay. And it's no joke this fucking shit is serious.